Dear Subconsciousness //

Dear subconsciousness,

There are some things I need to tell you.

One, since I had been a kid, I have only had one wish,

To have an elder sibling,

Too bad that cannot happen.

My parents cannot reproduce someone older than me,

And I don’t want someone younger than me,

I am one weird case,

And I think I get it from you,

But darling, this is my ode to you,

For being the elder sibling I never had.

 

Two, you can be the biggest bitch sometimes,

But you give me reality checks,

You cannot hug me or kiss me on the forehead when I can’t sleep,

But your words? They work like magic.

 

Three, you cannot appear in a second,

 And protect me from everything,

But you hold the power to persuade me for protecting my own self,

And today, I am going to admit this, I do.

 

Four, you are my elder sibling, yes,

You exist in the form of my inner confidence,

My self-love,

My brotherly instinct to protect myself,

In the form of all the battles I fight with you,

They sometimes leave me in tears,

Sometimes, also in laughter.

 

Five, you make me realise that if my best friend needs space,

I need to stop pestering her,

You tell me how to act in front of my crushes,

And you teach me how to make good first impressions,

You are that person inside me, which helps me decide which colour to wear,

Should it be a black, or a grey?

And even though you cannot hug me when I need a hug,

You can’t console me when I experience my first heartbreak,

You always help me fight everything which has broken me into pieces.

 

Six, you need to know that you sometimes cannot give advice,

No, not at all,

But thank you, darling,

Because even though our relationship is flawed,

You are an integral part of my survival,
And I love you.

 

Seventh, this is not important but,

The next time you tell me I should stop wasting my time on him,

I beg you, please tell me in a better way.

To Love Songs //

To love songs,
first, even though blaming is not the
best option, I think I need to blame
you for my lack of affinity for love
because you make it clear enough
that how it is clearly beautiful
yet destructive.

second, the lyrics flow out of pure
raw emotions, some hinting
towards a happy journey but
yet have a tinge of despondency
while others full of dejection
with some clues of delight.

third, the atmosphere you try
to create, a rhythm of sad,
yet gorgeous words
each telling me to take
that little crush back
before it’s too late,
they tell me it’s clearly
not going to be easy,
and they make me
question, am I strong
enough?

fourth, the beautiful
melody you have which
creates magic and a
layer full of sentiments
twirling around my head,
carefully mixing with a
sweet voice expressing
strong feelings passionately,
right now, I don’t know
if I should thank you,
or be ungrateful.

Untitled //


There is a time when my soul moulds itself into the evil.

And I am barely able to breathe, trying to break free, but I can’t speak. 

Black hands encircle me, self doubt creeps in, it makes me believe, that I did a sin. 

A feeling of despondency comes, as my normality goes, and I find myself curling my toes, in anticipation. 

The self love vanishes, and the hate infiltrates into my system, taking away my sanity. 

The social stigma of therapy stops me from accepting that maybe I am having a dispute in my body and I need to reach out for help. 

-x-

I didn’t post here for so long, hi again! (I don’t even know if someone reads this lol)

I s o l a t e d //

​The concrete ground was hard beneath her,

Uncomfortable, but she still lied down,

It was just like what she was feeling everyday,

Uncomfortable, uneasy, annoyed, 

A weird isolated feeling in the pit of her stomach,

And words evaporating into vapours full of nothingness,

It was her tears which fell down from the sky,

For she was saving the real ones for home, 

Her eyes spoke volumes,

And her smiles, crooked but broken,

Her laughs, melodious but they engulfed her sobs,

And she was happy no one noticed,

But sad nobody heard the whispers behind the loud voices,

She thought everything is fine,

Without drama and pain,

But she realised isolating herself,

Was making her insane,

And as she lay on the concrete hard ground,

Staring up towards the ceiling,

She whispered,

“I am beautifully fragmented, more or less demented, happily dejected, and socially isolated.”

A Beautiful Constellation

Your soul was broken,
Into pieces so beautiful, 
They shined liked stars,
Up in the sky, 
Balls of love, 
Balls of heat, 
A fire lit, 
Underneath, 
I picked them up,
And placed them together, 
Burned my hands,
But it was worth the pain,
Looked at them in awe,
How they came together, 
To form one,
Beautiful constellation, 
Your soul shined bright, 
After all this time,
I realise,
That we were just a maybe, 
And were never meant to be, 
But our hearts would always remember, 
Our little own forever.

Phases of Life

She was constantly falling,
                                       falling,
                                              and falling.
                                                                
She had no aid, no help, nothing. Her sadness was just like stairs.
She was tumbling,
                        tumbling,
                               and tumbling. 
                                       And she was going    deep in to the ocean, it was getting hard, harder to breathe. But it gave her a sense of happiness.
                                Sometimes she found happiness in being sad. It was a small reminder that you can live when you are not happy.
Happiness is overrated, is it always necessary to be happy,
                             delighted,
                                          or jolly.
                              No, she doesn’t think so.
As much as she liked being happy, she also like being sad. It’s painful, but a part of her life. As much as she was thankful to all the people who have had a hand in making her happy, she was more thankful to the ones who have given her pain.
They have made her realise that
                                                       she
                                                      can
                                                    stand
                                                    again.
                                   It’s okay to be angry sometimes, it’s okay to get frustrated to a point that it makes you want to cry.
Because anger is an essential part of you, just like happiness is, just like sadness is. Anger gives you hope. It tells you that you are human.
And humans
               sometimes
  make
              mistakes
   and
            lose
their
        way.
                          It’s okay to be scared and live in constant fear. Because when you grow out of that fear, you realise that the difference is beautiful.
You are allowed to
                                 stumble
                                              down
                                           a
                                 little
                 and get right back on track.
Happiness is not something to be chased behind. It’s just a part of your life.
You will go through each one of these phases, sometimes you
                                will
                            fall
                    down
unexpectedly.
Sometimes the littlest of things
will anger you
and will make you
lose your cool.
                            Sometimes you will be
                            scared of things
                            no one is scared of.
It’s okay, love. 
              It’s a part of who you are.

                                                   

    
                                           

Oh, the good old days.

The minty scent still lingers,
So does the traces of my fingers,
Through your brown locks so silky,
They used to make my insides go milky.
Oh, the good old days.

The peppermint perfume you used,
The one I was not interested to hear about,
Now everything about it is imprinted on my mind,
Even my Versace stares at me amused.
Oh, the good old days.

The rubber slippers I once found stupid,
Now I crave to look at you wearing them,
Well, thanks to the cupid,
I imagine you, painfully, I can only imagine.
Oh, the good old days.

The axe body wash still has a place in my ensuite,
Even when you took everything with you,
But now I remember, remember every detail, every name, everything that was essential,
To you.
Oh, the good old days.

The browny hazel eyes,
Ha, how was I was scared,
That maybe they are full of lies,
Oh they were not,
And now I snort,
How much of an idiot I was?
Oh, the good old days.

One in a half spoon of sugar,
You needed in your coffee,
Oh how I forgot about it,
And you never seemed to mind,
Heartily smiled,
And now I remember,
I drink my coffee the same way you used to,
Makes me believe I have a little bit of you,
In me.
Oh, the good old days.

The bracelet fulls of charms,
The one you gave me,
Still rests on my wrist,
And I let it be,
I miss the way you banged your fist,
On your head,
Okay now, I guess enough is said,
I may have realised a little late,
Or maybe too late,
That I love you.
And now, all I have are the memories,
Do you know how many times have I lived all the moments in my head,
And how I have imagined again again,
All the good old days.